| Just one of those days... |
[Jan. 26th, 2007|04:45 am] |
So, it's definitly been a while, but I have so much to say and I need an outlet, so where better to go than Live Journal... where no one really reads what you post and no one cares that you're having a crappy day and the people that matter the most dont know I have an account so, they cant read this, but it will feel good to vent and post and let it go.... maybe I'll let it go, thats no promise.
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam... I love him, to death... with all my heart. Bless him... I think he'd be lost without me. He depends on me so much, and I do depend on him too...but for totally different reasons, but lately things have been coming to head... emotionally with me anyways.
I've struggled through the better half of a year now pretending he doesnt mean as much as what he does to me and now I just cant take it. I've watched him try to sweet talk my bestfriend... sleep with my best friend... hook up with other girls who come and go and come and go... none lasting longer and a month. But I'm still here.. I'm still by his side... I wake up next to him in the mornings and I take care of him when he lets me, because he's stubborn, but he likes it when I look after him and keep him on track (though he'll never admit it... but I know him too well to be fooled, it's his eyes... they give him away everytime). I listen to him when he needs me to, I give him advice when he needs assurance, I listen to him talk about his disgusting conquests, I massage his back when he's had a long day and he's so sore he cant stand it, I cover his ass when he's broke, and I put my heart and soul into our friendship and somewhere along the way... I've fallen.
Head over heels, falling down the steepest fucking hill you can imagine. I can totally understand why people say that yoo like someone for their good qualities, but you love someone for their defects. It's so true. I love everything Adam is, but it's who he isnt that I love so much more. I dont know it that makes since, but I understand it.
I've never felt this way about anyone before and I'm so scared to tell him how I feel, but I've decided that I need all the confidence I can get so, I'm going to get completely shit faced and then talk to him... lol. Cause false confidence from Vodka can work wonders.
Adam has become my bestfriend. Without a doubt the one guy that I've ever been this close to, but the fear of ruining what we now have inhibits me from talking to him. There's nothing I love more than falling alseep in Adam's arms... waking up right beside him and as he begins to get ready for work I continue to lay in bed until I just cant lay there anymore. I get up, have my morning cigarette and watch him run around with his belt undone...his shirt not buttoned all the way up and its untucked and his tie loosely hanging from his neck. So cute... And for an instant this morning, I could picture it all. Everything, me and him... waking up to fix his coffee, having a cup with him before he leaves for work, cleaning house when he leaves and then I go to work, come home, fix dinner and talk about our days. And then start all over again. I could picture it and it worked... I felt comfortable with what I saw. When I'm with Adam, I have this strong urge to take care of him. I just wish I could explain things better, but you cant really explain what Adam and I have. It's so... out there... no one understands it, not even me, but it works for us.
I've come to depend on Adam to be there for me. He's my rock... he's my fortress... he's everything. But everything else would mean nothing without him and realizing that scares me... because I've never felt like I've needed or wanted someone this bad. I can read him like and book, as can he with me, and we work well together. And if I have to watch him go through one more shitty relationship I'm gonna scream. As it is right now, I just want to shake him and wake him up and make him realize... I'm here. Right here, willing to give him my all... But I dont know if I want to be that vulnerable...
Talking to Adam and putting this on the table will force us to pull our friend/relationship out of the air and down on the table to be labeled... and labels arent always good. I'm scared to death for two reasons:
1) I dont want to ruin what we do have and I dont want things to become awkward between us...
AND
2)I dont want to be hanging out on a limb expecting him to catch me... yet he's not there and I just keep falling. I dont feel like picking up the pieces of my heart off his hardwood floors.
I'm actually kinda tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I've tried numerous times to rip it off and put it in my pocket, but it never works.
I love how excited he gets when something good for The Family happens, or watching the sparkle in his eye when The Family's planning the next big party at Beat the Box or Park Ave. Saloon. He gets so serious when there's something on his mind. There's a softness in his face and depth in his eyes when he turns to me and says " Baby, you're my bestfriend, ya know that? I mean it Momma." I love how he'll get so excited and he'll do his own little run in place/dance kind of thing. Every week he gets fed up with someone or something... yet he never keeps a grudge and everything's always better after a couple of days. He'll be telling a story and when he gets to the good part, he repaeats himself... and just laughs... like he hasnt a care in the world. And when he laughs, I mean really laughs, his whole face lights up and he looks like a little kid in a candy store about to go crazy. Adam gets so sad thinking about the future... cause he really cares about all of us and he knows that when we all go our separate ways, that'll be the end... thats when he looks like he just got an ice cream cone and after the first good lick it toppled off the cone onto the floor. His face looks so shattered... so pained. He really cares and thats really rare. He wants everyone to reach their full potential... and not waste away being mediocre. He wants us all to go above and beyond. He's not looking out for just him... He snores when he sleeps... He's an actor at the JCC, he's currently working on a movie with a ghost writer... He stresses out and gets tense and that fucks up his already fucked up back, He gives and gives and gives and expects so little in return, especially from The Family. He'd give the shirt off his back for any one of the members in The Family and we're all greatful and maybe even a little unappreciative of having someone as loyal as Adam.
Adam's not all good... definitly not, but his past doesnt matter to me because its his past and it happened before we even met, he's been doing so good lately about keeping on track... I help him and Vee helps him. But it was relieving for him to get out of the rut he was in after he sold his business.. now he's got another job doing what he loves and everything is good for him. I'm really happy for him... but I want to make him happy... and it all starts with a single step that I have to take on my own, no one can push me or talk me into it, I have to be ready and hopefully after a few Sex on The Beaches and Tequila Sunrises... I can do just that. Hopefully. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|09:51 am] |
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Nothings changed, I kinda enjoy Livejournal, more than myspace for this simple fact that you get to write, and people read. Myspace is about messaging with blogs nobody ever reads. At least on here, you know it's gonna be read. Well, by at least one person. I dunno. I've chose not to keep up with livejournal for some reason. I dunno why. Mainly I forget and it's tied to people I don't really see anymore. So whats the point of it? Wierd the observations one makes while rambling on here. I think I may make an effort to kinda keep this up. I dunno. Guess we'll see. |
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| Waiting around |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|05:29 pm] |
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After two and a half years of calming waiting and determination. I finally got what I want. And he's so intelligent that it just amazes me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|05:00 am] |
There has to be more to life than this. Parties, drinking, drugs, smoking, sex and rock n roll. God knows I've done it all and while it's luster has slowly faded, I'm left with this feeling of wanting more.
So, I moved to Florida.
Ha. |
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| Guess who's back.... |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|12:31 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Cold - Stupid Girl remix | ] |
Wow, haven't been here in a while. I use to be addicted to this stuff, now look at me. Anyways! Hope everyone is having fun and missing me terribly. I'm on Spring Break right now and havin a good time up in the big TN. I'm missing my Jules awfully bad. Anyhoo guys, I miss you all like crazy, but MGM is working out, so it's not all bad. I'm hopin I can come visit soon. Look for me! lol.
My heart is patiently awaiting heartbreak.
It's inevitable. Yet here I am willing it to happen...
Can that really be love?
There just has to be more.
Has to be. |
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| Never Again |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|04:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Never put people on a pedestal because you'll always be disappointed.
Totally sad, but totally true. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|12:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
Ok, so long time no update or anything. For real. Life's still happening and I really don't think it's gonna change. So, I'm guessing that all you can do is go with the flow. It's been working for me. I miss everyone at ASMS, for sure. Hopefully I can come visit soon. Call me guys, my number has changed. . . (new phone! Razr!) <---- which means it came with a new number unfortunatly... 251 - 472 - 5141. I'm currently in the big F. L. kickin it with my friend Casey. Fun, fun, fun. Hope to hear from you guys! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|08:48 pm] |
Waiting for Prince Charming to make his move can be very disappointing.
Continue to wait or make a move of your own?
Now that's the question. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|09:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  <---- So Cute | ] |
I'm beginning to really like my little mood bubble guy thing. He's cute. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|09:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Constant | ] |
I watched House of Wax and The Skeleton Key. Both really crazy movies, though good in the end.
Am going to watch Harry Potter today with my dad, before he leaves to go back to Tennnessee. I can't wait. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2005|07:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Egh | ] |
All's well that ends well. . . or at least I think that is how the saying is supposed to go. I don't know. In my case, things NEVER end, so let the bad times roll.
Well, life in Dullsville is just that, dull.
I miss you all out there in we-have-lives-land.
Am currently in love with books. Nice escape for when I get home from high school hell.
Have also taken up drawing, not too good right now, but with persistence(that I don't have)it will get better.
Not sure how they always seem to get the upper-hand, but I am determined to regain it. Because without it I am. . .me, without the upper-hand.
Damn.
On a possibly happier note, I'm talking to Michael, the guy I would have been dating had it not been for ASMS.
Seems that place it the cause of all my problems(according to my parents(but what would they know?))
Walked up to Michael and told him to tell me that he loved me. With skepticism, he did and I pulled out a large bag of Reese's Pieces from my purse. His eye were bigger than a kid let loose in a toy store. I asked him how much he loved me. With more skepticism, he said a lot and I pulled out a big bag of Twizzlers. Michael actually danced around with joy. Then I told him that I was firmly sticking to the theory that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, then proceeded to ask what we were doing this weekend. It was very funny. We both laughed and then he asked me to come over after school. How sweet. I beat him 4 times at Nascar racing and he asked me to leave. . .just kidding, but I did beat him and then he didn't want to play anymore. Damn male pride.
Well, I'm off to watch Batman Begins, again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|03:34 am] |
Twitch continues to annoy me.
Can't make it stop.
Am going to go crazy, very. . .very shortly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2005|02:07 am] |
I could never do yoga and actually be good at it because it requires you to clear your mind. Well, I've been laying in bed for the past hour or so trying to do just that so that I could fall asleep, but it occurred to me that I couldn't stop thinking in my mind to clear my head. I was thinking of clearing my head, then my thoughts wondered on how one successfully clears their mind because obviously it wasn't working for me. Then I realized I had the most annoying twitch in the back of my inner thigh. Like it's just this one solitary spot that continues to twitch, which of course, drew my thoughts to how to get it to stop.
So my ultimate reason for posting is to figure out two things:
1)How to successfully clear one's mind
and
2)How to STOP the annoying twitch in my thigh. |
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| What went wrong? |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  See above | ] |
| [ | music |
| | N'sync and Brittney Spears . . . | ] |
I'm listening to N'sync and Brittney Spears. The use to be good stuff before it turned gay. Where did I got wrong?
I do believe that I have watched more movies in the past week than in my ENTIRE life. . . . my life has turned pathetic.
Help me.
Please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|09:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  No particular kind of shitty | ] |
Maw-maw likes to sight-see when she drives.
# of times we entered the lane of opposite flowing traffic: 5
# of times we swerved back to the road from the shoulder: 4
# of people that probably thought she was drunk: 50
# of times we could have died: Too many
(though at this point in my life, dieing doesn't seem so bad)
Elderly people's licenses should be taken away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2005|05:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Not sure | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Phantom of the Opera | ] |
Just when I straighten things out with my mother and everything, more bad shit happens.
And in light of recent events(ever since I was suspended) all I've done is sleep, eat, watch movies and think of all the work I could be doing. So, basically it's just like being back at ASMS, except I don't have to wake up every morning before my first class and think of a new excuse, other than cramps, to get excused from my classes for the day. Argh.
I want to be a writer. When you think about it, if you write a book about events that have happened in your life then I'm sure it would be a very interesting book. I KNOW events from my life would make for some interesting reading because quite frankly I've been through and done A LOT of shit. Good, bad, stupid, and very bold things. So, when and if you ever see a book by me, read it and then you will know the real me and not what you all think you know about me. I keep writing stories of things that I make up, but every time it always comes back to something I've done or that has happened to me. So, I've said 'fuck it' and have began writing from the first night I met Brian. All real events and so on.
It's funny, you know, because my mom blames ASMS for changing me. She told me while we were arguing that she doesn't know who I am and that she regrets ever sending me to ASMS because she doesn't know what happened, but I'm a totally different person and that she doesn't know how or why it happened, but she doesn't like the change. Well, I see it differently because I like that change. I like the person I became while staying there because although she can't see it, it is a good change in more ways than one. It's the change from being back at MGM that she doesn't like because all I do on the weekends is go to party after party and crash where ever we lay and then get up, go home, shower, change clothes and do it all over again the next night. Getting involved with pot, beer, cocaine, and pills is what has fucked me over. And there's no one to blame, but myself. My mom doesn't want me hanging out with Caitlin and Anna because she feels they are to blame. She's looking for anyone, but me to put the full blame on and she's wrong. So wrong. I know what I do and whether it is good or bad and I make the choice of whether or not I do it. Yet, she still looks for other people to blame.
I've decided that as soon as ALL of this is over and done with that I'm going to move. Either to Tennessee with my Dad, or to Florida with my mom. I think that it's best to move away from what I am use to. Because if I stay in Mobile, then I will continue to hang around those I should even if I say I wont. Because what did I do Saturday after all this happened? After I told my mom that I would leave them all alone and find new friends? I snuck out Saturday night and went to Lee's Birthday/Keg party. I don't care. I really don't and I think that deep down all I want is to be caught. Yup, that's right, I want to be caught. For once, I just want to get into trouble and get grounded and stay grounded instead of somehow always weaseling my way out of it and just going right back to what I was doing before. But whatever.
(**sigh**) Time to do. . . . something. |
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